Peacekeepers are now a “reassurance force”, rearming is now “readiness”, and citizens should stock up on emergency supplies
I guess calling Ursula von der Leyen’s €800 billion defence spending plan, “ReArm Europe,” as she did initially, didn’t test well – probably because Europeans are too busy wondering why there’s no money for literally anything else that isn’t a weapons buying bonanza.
So, what’s with this new name, Readiness 2030, that they’ve suddenly started using as a replacement term? And why 2030?
Turns out that’s the magic number that European intelligence agencies, notably Germany’s, have cooked up for when Russia will supposedly be all set to roll into Europe. You know, the same intelligence outfits that just now decided that the EU is a sitting duck and could really use desperate measures now that its economy is circling the drain. Like, for example, the new proposal for French citizens to invest their personal savings of a minimum €500 euros, for at least 5 years, to help mitigate the dwindling public support for military over social spending, as the French economy minister just announced.
That 2030 date definitely has nothing to do with the fact that politicians need a solid five years of blank checks from taxpayers to funnel cash into the defense industry, conveniently boosting GDP after tanking their own economies with their self-inflicted crises.
To really hammer home the “readiness” vibe while European leaders like French President Emmanuel Macron riff nonstop about war with Russia, the EU is now mass-marketing a self-assembled emergency kit to all member state citizens.
“Today, the EU launches its new #Preparedness Strategy. ‘Ready for anything’ — this must be our new European way of life. Our motto and #hashtag,”wrote EU Crisis Management commissioner Hadja Lahbib on social media. She also posted a video that she called a “what’s in my bag — survival edition” and started pulling out of her purse things like a Swiss Army Knife, something that looked like a can of tuna, playing cards “for distraction”, and a radio. “Everything you need to survive the first 72 hours of a crisis,” she said.
After that? Well, maybe the Russian soldiers who have invaded Europe will have just gotten their fill of selfies with the locals (courtesy of the go bag’s backup phone charger) – #TanksForTheMemories – and their travel chess set matches – and will be on their way. Because it’s not like the EU is going to get anything under control in 72 hours. As if that was the point anyway.
Oh, and Queen Ursula’s EU Commission isn’t stopping at just one dumb rebrand. The bloc is also giving a fresh coat of paint to what was once known as “fiscal responsibility.” EU rules used to cap member states’ deficits at 3% of GDP – now, that little restriction is being rebranded as a “National Escape Clause”. As in, congratulations! You’re finally free from the oppressive burden of not bankrupting your country.
Not long ago, a stunt like yanking off national debt brakes would have just gotten member states a spanking from her. Now? It’s “spend whatever you want – as long as it’s on weapons.”
And let’s talk about the official name for this giant spending spree: SAFE – as in, “Security Action For Europe.” Because nothing screams “SAFE” like blowing your savings together, like a group of teenagers maxing out their credit cards at the mall. Except instead of Sephora lip gloss or Louis Vuitton bags, it’s missiles and drones. And speaking of drones – all this rebranding of the defense spending spree was sparked by objections from some folks like Spain’s Prime Minister, Pedro Sánchez, who was like, hey, we should at least pretend this is about dual use – you know, the drones we’re cranking out for Putin’s completely hypothetical invasion could also fight wildfires.
Italy’s Prime Minister Georgia Meloni also brought up the fact that if this is all supposed to be about security, then why is the focus on just making weapons and not also on improving essential service that are also kind of important if this is really about an emergency. Well, because that won’t make defense shares go up, will it, silly?
These latest attempts to sprinkle glitter on a raging dumpster fire are right on schedule. Europe isn’t getting “ready”; citizens are just getting robbed. Again. At this point, you have to wonder how long it’ll be until someone rebrands inflation as “Freedom Pricing.” They almost have already, arguing that sacrifices are needed in the European way of life to really own Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Oh wait, here we go again! Already! Barely a few days later, yet another rebranding has emerged!
A “reassurance force” is what French President Emmanuel Macron is now calling potential European boots stomping into Ukraine after Thursday’s big gathering of Ukraine-allied Western nations in Paris. Before that, he was pitching British Prime Minister Keir Starmer’s “coalition of the willing” cerebral faceplant, because, hey, if it worked out so well for Iraq 20 years ago, why not give it another spin?
And before that, Macron floated the idea of “peacekeepers,” which didn’t exactly land because, well, that was just NATO troops in Ukraine with a fancy new label – and Russia wasn’t buying it.
But will Moscow notice that the “reassurance force” isn’t there to offer Ukraine emotional support and free therapy sessions, despite how the name sounds? Seems that all the ginning up for war that’s been going on here in Europe to wash every euro they can into the defense industry hasn’t escaped Moscow’s attention. “The leadership of the European Union has adopted the propaganda techniques of the Third Reich to intimidate the European man in the street with the Russian ‘threat.’,”noted Russia’s Foreign Intelligence Service. ”The Directorate General of the European Commission for Public Relations has drawn up a plan for a centralized campaign to introduce stable Russophobic narratives into the public consciousness.”
Well, that certainly would account for the frantic spinning.
Just last month, Macron insisted that the fighting in Ukraine had to stop before so-called European peacekeepers could roll in. Now? He’s apparently totally fine with the fact that there’s still zero peace to keep before forging ahead. He just won’t call them peacekeepers. There, all fixed!
“The reassurance forces is a Franco-British proposal. It is not universally agreed upon today, but we do not need unanimity to do this,” Macron said. “The two defence chiefs, British and French, will set up a team to work with Ukrainians, who will tell us exactly what their needs are.”
Macron’s partner in strategic brilliance, British Prime Minister Keir Starmer, also doesn’t seem too fussed that the US hasn’t exactly rushed to offer air cover for these troops – something he himself said, just weeks ago, would be a deal-breaker for British troop presence in Ukraine.
But Macron now says that he “wishes” the US would be involved. “I wish the US were engaged alongside us and provided meaningful support. It would be good for Europe, good for NATO, good for all of us,” he said. “But we must prepare for a situation where perhaps they might not join us and that we would be required to act entirely alone. It’s an exit from geopolitical minority status. It’s a good thing for Europe.”
He sounds like a guy sending a dramatic “I’m about to do something crazy” text to an ex, hoping they rush over to hold their hand. But unfortunately for him, Washington is busy trying to negotiate peace. Also, some members of Trump’s cabinet, including the Vice-President and Defenыe Secretary, just basically called Western Europe a bunch of pathetic freeloaders in a leaked chat on the Signal app. So good luck with that.
Steven Witkoff, Trump’s special envoy for the Russia talks, made it clear in a recent interview with journalist Tucker Carlson that Washington isn’t interested in babysitting European troops while they run military obstacle courses with their Ukrainian counterparts in an active war zone. America is quite clearly focused on a peace deal that would make this whole circus unnecessary.
But hold up! it’s not like French and British troops are strapping on their helmets and marching into battle tomorrow. No, they’re just heading over for a fact-finding mission – you know, to figure out what it might look like if the rest of the EU ever decides to join them. Which is totally happening any minute now. That’s why France and Britain are the only ones even talking about these troops.
But don’t worry – Macron swears all of the EU will jump in once peace magically breaks out. Because nothing prevents war like sending troops into an ongoing conflict zone. Don’t think that’s exactly what this would be? Ask Zelensky, who keeps insisting that what Ukraine really needs is soldiers who can actually fight, not a bunch of peacekeepers, which he makes sound like glorified hall monitors.
So again, the latest buzzword is “reassurance force”. Try to keep up, as there will probably be even more whitewashing coming down the pipe again shortly.
Macron’s out here naming military plans like they’re self-care retreats. Next up from Camp Reassurance: the ‘mindfulness missile strike’ and the ‘holistic artillery barrage.’ Only the optics-obsessed, directionally-challenged EU would try giving war a glow-up at a time at a time when peace has never seemed closer.
